A moment upon re-entry

I am back in the U.S.
Most likely, I'll start blogging again.
Here is a moment in my room upon re-entry. Hold me to it.


10/6/10
I never thought I would be judgmental upon my return to the states. But none-the-less it arises within me naturally, so natural its almost scary. It clouds up the conversation I am having, and is painted on all the objects I see. I say, "How can they own this? Do they not know the life they would have directly and drastically changed with the money spent for this? Wow, this is nice! Wow, there is so much!" I get upset, and think, "Who are they, who are we, who am I to have this thing here. This just isn't fair!"

I am disconcerted, but at no one and with no one directly. Who am I to place blame when the troubles stretch beyond my comprehension, and the cause far more complicated? I must not let the shock of this bipolar planet destroy my friendships in a moment of hardship and fierce words. If, and when the time comes, I must teach with gentle kindness; share my thoughts, feelings and reactions in honesty. The shock shouldn't control me, but it should certainly affect me.

I am finding myself almost addicted to change and discomfort. Because in these times, I break down, I feel the burning pleasure of re-growth. When I am faced with the sharp contrasts of my friends lives, I again see the change I have had and live with. All lives have detail, so I know their lives aren't mere cookie cutouts, but I think my cutout has now changed shape. These times are rare, the times when I process and re-adapt. I almost wish to remain here, stuck for an hour and a half as nostalgia churns with the present and into reality. It's a drug, that prostrates me, and if I didn't know God, and didn't know I could talk to him at all times in all places, I would hate the drug. But since the later is true, I almost crave it.

I know these times are precious, so I let them flow and fuel me as long as they can. I could decide to just live and do my tasks, I could turn off the engine and let the fuel evaporate after numbered days under the sun; but I won't.

I want something more with my life. I am dissatisfied with the cookie shapes of my friends, and don't want to conform and fall back into a compatible mold. I want greatness! I don't want to lead a boring life, without effect and without changing the world around me. Excellence is my standard. I have a new passion, whether it is attainable or not is inconsequential, I want to make a difference.

My friend Dan has been around me and with me for a while. I want to say he has affected lives like I have, but I don't think he really has. My former resident T. J. said to me, "There is a Tom sized shape missing at Westmont (where I first met him and mentored him)." I finally believe both of these articles. I finally beginning to see myself, and how I am distinguished.

Amidst anyone that I have spent a lot of time around, anyone I am very comfortable with - mostly my friends and family - I loose an edge my character. I am less courteous, but also less boldly challenging and upbringing. If they are not comfortable speaking in God in one way, I comply and cease to speak. I need to speak for myself, from my heart, encourage them to lift theirs and assist them in their effort. My faith is mine own, but my faith means something for theirs.