Saturday, August 20, 2011

The greatest question

When she was falling to what was to be her death, and I when I chose to fall to what was to be my death - my first thought was, "I am not going to let her fall, at least not alone." I didn't.

We are both alive. I pose this question to you: What is the greatest question?

The greatest question that will ever be asked for me - Will God allow me to be alone?

If God will not have me be alone, then there is not hell. If God will leave me alone, then there is. If we can be alone from God, then the person, a young kid who I sacrifice my life for, who rejects Jesus, that person I will have be left alone. If God has us alone, then the Halocaust was a symbol of reality that is greater than the reality we can feel in this life. If God has us alone, then pornography is a more twisted image of togetherness than we will ever come into contact with before bodily death.

The second greatest question for me: Does God choose to leave us alone? Or, does God allow us to be left alone?

The third greatest question for me: From how I have lived, what are my answers?

The fourth greatest questions for me: Does Jesus' existence and his recorded life change my previous two answers?



The Agenda

Do I believe in an agenda? Is this different than having a particular will? Can they be separated? When I have heard the phrase "God's will" I have always understood it to mean, what God wants to be done. But it seems to me, that what fits with the way this world works is that its God's agenda? Does God's agenda get carried through every time in every situation? I have no clue! I have seen it and believed that his agenda has obviously been carried through and implemented, setting the course and guiding certain events. Other times, I strongly doubt it, and tend to err on the side of "No it hasn't been implemented." Well you know what? I'm done with erring in doubt on the side of "No."
So, does God have an agenda? Yes. Everyone does. Trust this. Jesus had an agenda.
Do I have agenda? Yeah. Does that agenda mean that I want things to happen, and that may not make everyone happy? Yeah. I want a good, righteous, giving, agenda of love that shuns darkness, shuns immorality, that HATES EVIL, that does not want a child to starve to death, that rejoices when a good decision is made rather than a bad one, when someone holds onto their innocence and their joyful smile rather than giving into anger and beating their fists in rage for something over nothing. I want a righteousness that is sorrowful for those who don't see it, that is joyful for those that do, that wants and likes to have fun, that does not want people to be hurt, nor wants people hurting themselves, but loves their freedom repeatedly until it hurts, and also longs for their healing. I want opportunity for all, but I just as equally want those who are given that opportunity to do their best with it. And on some level, I DO want that opportunity to match up with what I want.

I have never been asked to not have a want or desire, I have only been asked to change what I want. I should not change and live apathetically, and I cannot - doing so is killing me, and I refuse to die in this way. Shoot me, because I love you - but I seek to have a pure love. A love that would rather die pure than live impurely.
I will have the strength to call you out, for not calling me out on this. I will have the gentleness to speak softly but the firmness to be direct. I will sit with you until truth that is necessary is revealed and a decision about that is made. I will lose sleep, I will not eat, I will cry, I will smile, I will bleed, I will laugh, and I will lay prostrated for all my life. All the aforementioned is my agenda.

I am sorry if you are offending because I want these things, but I am going to start saying with honesty and open conviction something I have been afraid to say in a long time :
you are wrong,
God is right,
and I wish you to join me.

I am not afraid of being wrong, not anymore. I am only afraid of not living with a pure heart, not having truth. I am not afraid of hurting people anymore. I am only afraid of not living in the righteousness that I have.

I am not afraid of being stupid. I have been called stupid before, I have been stupid before. I am afraid of not accepting it, and not repenting.

I have been wrong most of my life, and I have been wrong about mostly the wrong things, and it sucks. But the right things are becoming clear. You are the right thing. Your life is very important. My life is very important. I am the right thing.

I have learned hard way, and guess what? Its hard. Now, I am probably going to learn the hard way, how to stop learning the hard way, and someday I will learn an easier way.

The battle began, it begins today, it begins tomorrow.